So my Dad just bought an RV. I have no idea what RV actually stands for, but I have a feeling it might be something like Roaming Village. As I write this my dad is driving back from Cincinnati in his new Death Star, but alot of other things are happening too: two major wars are being fought over oil in the Middle East, the Alberta Tar Sands development is destroying a chunk of Alberta the size of Florida, polar bears could very possibly wash up at our front step any day, and Stephen Harper has said that Canada will not meet Kyoto protocols. That’s fine though, my dad’s retired, and he definitely deserves it, right?
But…this is no ordinary RV. I’m pretty sure it’s a hybrid, so that saves gas. One part gasoline, two parts baby seal pelts. I believe two baby seal pelts and one gallon of gasoline will allow the RV to travel two kms below the speed limit in the passing lane for approximately three kms.
And the features this thing has, never mind the seals, emissions, gas, polar bears, Alberta. It has a satellite dish that picks up over 500 channels! The dish actually shoots a signal into space so strong that it rips new holes in the ozone layer as you watch Dancing with the Stars. As the small planet on wheels drives along, the signal from the dish, like a loose thread on a sweater, gradually pulls the ozone directly out of the sky, allowing us down here to get more direct sunrays. So that’s good, isn’t it? Winter is overrated anyways.
So why did my dad buy the traveling apocalypse?
Because he can. Now he didn’t actually say this was the reason, but I know it is. And the truth is, that’s the real reason behind most bad decisions made that will effect us in the future. Take any given man-made problem in the world, and somewhere there is somebody responsible for it who is candidly telling his/her son, Cus I can.
And I accept it, because he’s my dad, and blood is thicker than water, even when that water buries downtown Manhattan. As long as people continue to accept this answer, until Cus I can no longer cuts it, I guess we’re going to be eternally stuck behind that metaphorical 40 foot RV driving slow in the passing lane.
Jesse Kinos-Goodin is a Toronto-based journalism student and intern at This Magazine. He is counting the seconds to graduation when he can finally fill out something other than student on all those forms.
Current girlcrush: Anybody with the First name Jessica and the last name Biel or Alba.
Current boycrush: Radiohead, for figuring out how to stick to tha Man
Political compass: Economic -8.12 Social -6.00