It is time for summer love! Don’t have a man? That’s no good. Thankfully, this article on how to get guys on Tinder came out earlier this year, when you were supposed to have found someone in time for Valentine’s. This guide to making the perfect Tinder profile will land you the man of the patriarch’s dreams! And since it’s summer, get on top of learning how to contour your body with make-up, you know, in time for swimsuit season (but don’t go in the water, that’ll wash the make-up away).

Here’s our special This Magazine “Gender Block” take on all that fun advice:

No Selfies
Girls take up way too much space with their selfies. After all, this is space that could be used for yet another hilarious drawing of a dick. A clear headshot is OK, but selfies show a lack of self-confidence, but also narcissism (oohhhkay). So, whatever you do, make sure to show your confidence by listening to what guys, like Joseph, have to say: “It’s especially annoying when it’s the first photo. You have one photo to get my attention, and you failed.” Don’t be the girl to fail Joseph. (Yes, Joseph is real.) (Sadly.)

Use your Profile to Tell a Story
Most guys find this part of a Tinder profile underutilized. Why are women so worried to write about themselves? All they have to do is make sure they come off entirely perfect for the Leslies of the world who remind us, “It’s like a resume.” Like a resume for the potential love of a guy who is kind enough to dissect every part of your being. Remember, absolutely do not use a Marilyn Monroe quote—that comes off too aggressive. If you do this you will be failing Vincent, 30, like you already did Joseph with that selfie you took. You know, the one when you were digging how you looked but somehow also showcasing your lack of self-esteem.

Send the First Message
Adam doesn’t want to think of something witty to say; it’s hard. So do it for him. And for the love of God, don’t lose Vincent’s momentum by not responding quickly enough. Nothing else is as important as scoring a date with Vincent.

But, also, remember, don’t get too excited about scoring a date with Vincent …

I mean, that’s desperate.

Don’t Plan an Elaborate First Date
Men don’t want to feel pressured. Pressure is on you, lady.

Take a Tinder Break if the Date Goes Well
While he is using Tinder after your date, he doesn’t want to see you doing the same—stay classy, ladies.

All of this sounds like so much fun! Let the love games begin! Where do we sign up?!

A former This intern, Hillary Di Menna is in her second year of the gender and women’s studies program at York University. She also maintains an online feminist resource directory, FIRE- Feminist Internet Resource Exchange.